With the upcoming release of my new YA werewolf book on October 29, I am reminded of my favorite holiday of the year — Halloween. So I thought I’d take a quick break from posting on werewolves and maybe put up a post about those cold blooded walkers we call zombies. This zombie posting though is not just any ordinary discussion on zombies, but asks the serious question, what would happen if there was a real zombie apocalypse.
Are you ready?
In 2012, the Center for Disease Control launched a site with the exact same above title.
The site was so popular it crashed.
Ask people to read information on how to prepare for a hurricane or flood and they yawn. Give them a web link on how to prepare for a Z takeover, and WHAM, they’re alive! (LINK)
The director of the Office of Public Health Preparedness and Response for CDC noted, “If you are generally well equipped to deal with a zombie apocalypse you will be prepared for a hurricane, pandemic, earthquake, or terrorist attack.” Good thinking Director.
Let’s say tomorrow we actually have “the Z invasion”, I’m going to be honest with you all. I’m not ready. I’m slacking here.
I’m praying the Z-Peeps are like the ones in the movies from the good ol’days. You know, the 1960s and 70s, even 80s. Slow and stupid. Moaning and groaning.
Throw a penny behind one and they turn around, dropping to their knees stupidly looking at the ground and quickly forgetting why they turned around in the first place.
If they’re anything like that, I’m pretty sure, I have a good chance of survival.
According to this niffy Zombie Survival Flow Chart borrowed from The Zombie Research Society, we should pack away edibles that are not perishables, and definitely store away water. Great. Check.
Ok, next step. Ah. I can see the Zombies are Slow. Ok, that’s good, I’m in good shape, run half marathons. I got ’em on this count. Whew.
Forgetfulness is one common Zombie staple. If I see a bunch of zombies on the street and they see me, I can quickly divert directions to the nearest hideout. They’ll forget I was right in front of them. Thank God. I can hide inside the store and munch down on my crackers I packed away waiting for them to mill away.
My information chart tells me that zombies don’t feel anything. They suggest I don’t fight them. Ok, up to this point, I thought this flowchart had some good pointers. This though, borders on asinine. Fancy word to say rather obvious. Seriously, who fights a zombie bare fisted except for Milla Jovovich?
Maybe I shouldn’t throw this out yet. They say, Don’t throw the baby out with the bath water. I suppose this applies here.
Let’s keep reading. Ok, Yay! The Undead have severe Attention Deficit Disorders (ADD). They’re easy to distract. This will make it easy to weave and circle around them. I’m starting to think the day we have a Z takeover, things are not going to be too bad. Maybe a mere inconvenience.
Last point. Oh yes. You know you’re mom told you to never parrot your sibling? It’s rude. Well, you’re going to pull this back out and use it.
Yes sir, if all fails, mimic the rotters. They’ll never know you are live human. Moan lowly, stumble about, twitch your head like you have a slight tic. Why you’re at it, you can conduct an anthropologic study as you walk with the dead folks – see how the other half lives.
You know, I’m thinking the unlikely Z takeover is not horrible thing after all. On a scale 1 to 10, with 10 being the most horrific apocalypses, I’m going to say rate the Z invasion as a solid “5”. I’m not sure what all the fuss was about.
But wait a moment.
This all presumes the zombies are stupid and slow.
This makes the huge presumption that the Z-Walkers are basically like physically handicapped, mentally disabled, elderly people who are lucky to even walk.
You know, I once presumed a professor was not going to ask a particular question on a test because we never covered that topic in class. You know how that turned out.
Sooo, what happens if the Dead-Walkers are more like Dead-Sprinters? What happens if they can run the 100 yard dash as fast as Gold olympists!
I’m hearing crickets people.
What happens if they’re like those things in I Am Legend, and they can set up traps like the one that snagged Will Smith? Or shit, what if the zombies are angry like the ones in 28 Days Later? What if they are sprinting after you without any signs of being out of breath?
Dear God, what if they chase you up staircases to the top of a building, on your heels the whole way. You get to the building roof, jump inside the waiting helicopter that quickly takes off, but the Dead-Sprinter becomes a Dead-Leaper and jumps like a Raptor from Jurassic Park, grabbing the helicopter rail? Hey, this is in the realm of possibilities, they did that to Brad Pitt in World War Z.
Does anyone have any answers if the newly risen are a bunch of Nazi Zombies who can coordinate their attacks?
Hey! Anyone out there listening?
I dare not think if they’re like the ones in Resident Evil. Those bastards changed … to creature-things.
Wow. My blood pressure is back up. All of sudden, I’m feeling quite unprepared again!
I’m going to suggest to the CDC and any Zombie experts out there – Let’s start rolling out some information on what we do if we are attacked by NFL zombie creatures. Ok, seriously, please.
We should consider all contingencies people!
Or, it is presumed, if the zombies are olympic stars, we’re basically up S#$@ creek without a paddle?